My career break

For the past few days, I've been wrestling with a subtle undercurrent of anxiety that seems to linger through most of my waking hours. I've always been in tune with my sensations and emotions, so I found myself pondering the root cause of this unease, which wasn't immediately apparent. I decided to sit down at my writing table and delve into the truth of the matter.

Why was I feeling anxious? Anxiety isn't a frequent visitor in my life. It's been nearly a year since I left my full-time job at Fender. I took that career break back in October last year. The recent release of the Fender ToneMaster Pro series led me to watch some marketing videos, which in turn, transported me back to the wonderful memories of working on products, followed by the satisfaction of watching the videos and reading the reviews. I was overwhelmed by nostalgia. I began to reflect on what I had lost and, conversely, what I might have gained during this hiatus. What I'd lost was quite evident to me at that moment. But what had I truly accomplished in this past year?

Being conditioned by my engineering background, I've always approached everything with measurement and analysis in mind. How could I measure what I'd done? There were no tangible results or milestones I could point to. It dawned on me that, during this time, I hadn't embarked on anything extraordinary, as I'd often imagined I would during a break from work. My expectations were met with disappointment. What reality was I missing in my quest for understanding?

I devoted myself to my children and my household. I spent countless hours playing with them, engaging in heartfelt conversations, and exploring their interests and dislikes. I chauffeured them to all their activities, and I recall moments when I didn't even glance at my phone, truly immersing myself in the presence of my child and their instructors. It's amazing how much you can learn by simply being present. I also volunteered at their schools and absorbed the innocent, joyful energy of elementary school children. Writing became a daily practice for me, and I discovered my deep-seated love for it. Through my writing, I delved into the recesses of my mind, gaining insight into my own desires and motivations. For the very first time, I found joy in cooking for my family. I observed and learned about the various bird species around me. I connected with nature in ways I'd never experienced before. I cherished invaluable quality time with my family during our visit to India. I also embarked on a journey to understand Jiddu Krishnamurti's teachings and developed a passion for the field of Machine Learning and its ethical implications. I aspire to grow and contribute to this fascinating field.

My initial expectations during this time off included daily exercise, a radical shift in eating habits, a deep dive into Yoga and meditation, and perhaps the discovery of a new passion. I thought I'd spend more time hiking and indulging in painting, my other two hobbies. However, I ended up doing none of the things I had anticipated. Instead, the slowing down of time and the tranquility that filled my days when the children were at school brought out a completely different facet of my life.

How does one measure these experiences? Not everything can be quantified in terms of productivity, outcomes, or practicality. I followed my heart's desires and focused on what was essential in my life. I simply lived and learned about myself in a way that I'd never had the opportunity to do, even in my childhood. And that, in itself, is more than enough.