Dolce far niente!

 I came across this phrase in the Julia Roberts' movie, "Eat, Pray, Love". What it means, I will reveal at the end of the post, in case you don't know it already.

When I was thinking of quitting my job, I always used to think, "What will I do with all my time once I quit?". Let me remind you that I am a Mom of 2 young boys who go to school, have HW and have lots of extra curricular activities. We also cook and eat home 90% of the time. So yeah, whoever thought that I would have a lot of free time! But this has always been my fear that was induced in my by the culture, the fear of having nothing to do, the fear of becoming nobody, the fear of an empty mind and how it can quickly turn into a devil's workshop! I have always dreaded not having something to do in my life. As a child, when I got bored, I always wanted to fill it up with watching TV, or hanging out with friends or doing anything else but not staying with the feeling of boredom. I wonder how much of it was induced by the culture and how much was my own escapism from the reality, I cannot say for sure right now but it must be both. 

In 2022, however, I finally did quit my job and I came on the other side of the shore. The shore where I thought lived boredom, fear, frustration, anxiety of being nobody and doing nothing with life. Yes, I am here today. To say that I am doing nothing with my life right now, would be to understand the fact that this is my conditioned response to my state right now. What is my self-worth after all if I am not productive? 

How is life on the other side of the shore? Its not that bad, honestly. Have I had my fears? Yes. Its a big transformation. I have let go of my security in the form of my stable job at Fender. It gave me my paycheck bi-weekly and that meant peace and security. But even if you let go of some "knowns" in your life, there is no need to fear the "unknown". On the contrary, the unknown can be quite pleasurable. No, I do not get bored with all the time that I have right now. In fact, I have leisure and leisure is what you need to explore life, to understand life and to observe life happening to you and all around you. I was robbed of this leisure since my childhood. Life was always busy. You go to school, you come home and study. Even with the time I spent playing with my friends, it was gossip and nothing else. I never really had the leisure to just observe life and respond to it. I was always in a race, running after something that would make sure I survive my adult life. I was told that financial security and a job meant everything, it was a reward for all the hard work that I was putting in my school work. But what I missed out on was pure observation and learning from that seeing. I never did that, not until recently. 

 And that is really what I am doing right now, from this side of the shore. I notice things happening around me, I notice my responses to them and I keep looking into those responses until I understand them. I notice everything around me, the beautiful desert landscape that I live in, the sunsets, the singing of the morning birds in Spring, the wildflowers and my own likes and dislikes. And that is the beginning of my new journey. Just right here, in this space of exploration and wonder about life and its complexities. That is the joy of "Dolce far niente!", which means the "sweetness of doing nothing!". Yes, its a sweet feeling, to not rush and just be here in the moment, noticing things, for now....

Blessed Be.